Responsibility for killing someone sucks

If you've ever been on the Internet, you should have run across [redacted]. Dan does an occasional series called "Q&A Friday". Last Friday, he answered my question. (Scroll down to the second question about the weird eating habits).

It was an extremely proud day in my life. Something I wrote was published by someone that wasn't me. It means that I matter. I made an impact. Someone (probably) laughed at what I said.

To give some context:

Do you consider it bizarre that my roommate eats only apples, oatmeal, protein shakes, ham, and Swiss cheese? Would you recommend staging an intervention for him before his muscles finish choking off the blood to his brain? Continuing on the food theme, my other roommate will only eat food if it comes from in a can (think Campbell’s condensed chicken noodle soup straight from the can at room temperature) or in hot pocket form. How would you recommend dealing with this situation?

Dave

I can’t tell if you live in a frat house or a really boring psyche-ward, but either way this sounds like a nightmare. I prefer to surround myself with like-minded people. I am profoundly lazy, and agreeing is so much easier than disagreeing. So the idea of having to live in a place with people who don’t eat steak and pizza and make little ice cream sandwiches with Oreos and sprinkles, it terrifies me. I once broke up with a girl because she didn’t eat dessert. Not that she prevented me from eating dessert, but I couldn’t stand that she wouldn’t. I also couldn’t stand that she kept sleeping with other guys.

Anyway, here’s what I think you should do: poison them. Not like to kill them, but if you poison all their favorite foods they won’t be able to eat them anymore. A good substance with which to poison someone untraceably is gold sodium thiomalate. I can’t divulge how I know this, but let’s just say a very reliable doctor with a limp told me.

So wow. Poison them. As it turns out, I should have poisoned him as soon as Dan gave me the idea. When my roommate who only eats hot pockets and canned food read the post, he laughed so hard he fell out of his chair causing last weekend's tsunami in the Solomon Islands.

It doesn't feel good to be partially responsible for "killing at least 20 people, leaving thousands homeless, and destroying at least 13 villages."

NEVER walk backwards through a cornfield...

As the title of my blog notes, it's not a good idea to walk backwards through a cornfield. This was the best piece of advice my father ever gave me. However, I learned that a little bit too late, having spent 7 years at a state university in the middle of hundreds of thousands of acres of corn.

It was late on a Saturday night, and I had a few too many beverages. Our apartment (being literally across the street from a cornfield) decided it would be a good idea to put this maxim to the test. Lesson learned. I will never again walk (or run) backwards through a cornfield drunk.

I hope you'll learn something from my mistakes.